People are catching on to collecting. This is not surprising when even something collected new a month ago is already worth more in the shops today. Here are just a few of the objets de virtu which are worth forking out a couple of fivers for, which will one day attract brisk bidding at Sothebys.

Records Old records are breaking new records, especially those made by the New Orleans Tub Thumpers in the 1830s. Go for the stuff everybody else passes by: Alma Cogan singing Ivor Novello’s favourite fireside hits, or Reginald Dixon at the Wakefield Town Hall Hammond Organ, or Ivor Novello singing Reginald Dixon’s greatest hits.

Art Deco Now is the time to collect lampshades made from intertwined ‘flappers’, and models of the Black Bottom and the Wall Street Crash.

Art Flimso 1964-5. Distinctive style combining simplicity and fragility, pioneered during these crucial years for the Arts. Few working examples of furniture of this period are now extant, and should be collected NOW.

Antique Collection

War relics My friend Jarvis recommends that gas masks and grenades are worthwhile moneyspinners for tomorrow. Such memento belli can often be bought cheap off people with shell shock.

Pot lids Late nineteenth century. Often found by digging over Victorian rubbish dumps, which is where the Victorians went to throw their pot lids.

Books I recommend collecting all the editions of Roderick Masters’ Book of Money-Making Schemes.

Mickeymousiana Now is the time to invest in all those things made in the likeness of Mickey Mouse, though only those with lots of storage room should embark on this particular collection. Soap, bottles, watches, books and other bric-a-brac will form a fascinatingcommentary on the Age of this most diminutive of Entrepreneurs. Rarest of all is the Mickey Mouse condom, which was soon withdrawn on grounds of bad taste by Minnie Mouse.

Money boxes A collection of money boxes will be a constant reminder of the Important Things in life, and can always be left lying around in case one of your visitors feels like finding out how they work. The traditional pig motif is only one of a thousand: I have examples in my collection modelled after twenties flappers, hand grenades, pot lids, books, Mickey Mouse and excritoires. This is the only Investment to keep your money in that you can keep your money in. The definitive work on this fascinating hobby is Plus ca change by R. Maitre, Faille d’on Press (887 guineas).

Book ends Useful collections of these, often designed as Mickey Mouse rampant, can be used to prop up your collections of Roderick Masters’ Book of Money-Making Schemes.

White elephants A collection of these can be used to prop up your collection of book ends, which otherwise always fall over.

Things from Christmas Crackers Readers will have noticed how all the contents of Christmas Crackers have entirely vanished by December 29th. A fortune can be made by carefully preserving these ephemera for posterity. Some of the Jokes in my collection are already valuable antiques.

Plastic fruit Plastic is the papier mâché of the second half of the twentieth century, and is a valuable long-term investment. I recommend specialising in fruit, which can be left in piles on the chiffonier for visitors to admire. Connoisseurs particularly seek the early Tesco Green Pippin for its charming artificiality, but the Woolworth Grapes of 1954 is now being acknowledged as one of the masterpieces of the genre. It is my belief that the Split Pineapple with Ice Cubes is the best bet for the 1990s, combining as it does an understated insoucience with a capacity for holding ice cubes.

Jokes Even now some of the rarer examples from the early days of the Practical Joke are commanding good prices, as a glance at the Collector’s Journal Invisible Ink will reveal. The 1901 split finger is only exceeded in value by the prototype Naughty Doggie, while Squeaking Camembert is my own personal tip for the Big Climber over the next few years.

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