For most normal people a good collection of money seems to satisfy their acquisitive instincts. However, I have noticed that more and more denizens of the International Set are becoming cognoscenti and aficionados of the Ancient Object. ‘A thing of beauty is a Joy for Ever’ as the poet neatly put it (especially as it can be cashed in for money when collateral is getting a little on the dodgy side.) There is an added satisfaction in reclining on a Renaissance chiffonier after a hard day of selling short knowing that every day it gets older and it will realise that much more in Christie’s or the King’s Road. I usually leave the price tags on my objets d’art for this reason.

The guiding principle is: ‘Old is Gold‘. The older something is the more likely it is to contribute towards that custom-built Mazerati. (Old custom-built Mazeratis are particularly sought-after.) The only exception to this is when things get very old indeed, e.g. Roman, because then they are often all in bits. (From what I have seen in Museums and other Shrines of the Ancient, the Romans were pretty bad at looking after their pots and jewellery because they are nearly all broken. Greek sculptures are even worse.)

Antique Collection

It used to be that something had to be at least 100 years old to be called ‘Antique‘ and if it was any older it was called ‘Period’, but fortunately this narrow-minded view has not prevailed, and nowadays it is worth investing in anything which hails from those more leisurely days when there were still traditional craftsmen working at skills which had changed little for hundreds of years. I keep anything made before 1963.

This opens up new worlds for those of us who can appreciate the aesthetic side of a healthy balance in the Deposit Account. And a fine collection of Ashanti nose rings is always the focal point for any of those cocktail parties you throw for Luminaries of the local Chamber of Commerce. I know from personal experience that more than one Big Name behind a chain of betting shops displays his artistic side in the privacy of his mansion surrounded with mature evergreen shrubs by buffing up his collection of Antique Medicinal Leeches or eighteenth-century tooth-extraction apparatus. My own collection of Toothpicks through the Ages gives me a unique insight into how our forebears winkled out those irritating bits of gristle from between their molars. Your collection enables you to get educated and rich at the same time.

Of course some of the high-quality stuff does run a bit expensive. So a word of warning here. If a chap in a blue blazer and cravat, driving a 1.8 litre Ford Cortina, offers you some original Hepplewhite ironing boards for £35 the chances are that the items in question are not 100 per cent bona fide. They may have been made by Fred Hepplewhite from Sutton Coldfield. My friend Jarvis had a very nice line in original Da Vincis which were done by Len Da Vinci of the Ball’s Pond Road School, rather than Leonardo famed for his backward handwriting and enigmatic smile.

Some of these antique merchants use a lot of jargon to describe the Glories of the Past, which may seem a little confusing at first. Here is a list of some of the more important words which should help you to become a connoisseur without any difficulty:

Piece (as in, ‘a fine piece this’) — Expensive.

Quattrocento Italian artistic work costing more than £400. Inlay The opposite of Outlay.

Marquetry Fiddly bit of furniture sold in markets.

Chaise Longue Settee with only one arm.

Commode Originally a chest of drawers, then designed to cover up
sanitary apparatus. An excritoire is a French edition of the same thing.

Lacquer cabinet Where the seventeenth-century smart set kept their

VSOP and other liquor, often with fetching sylvan scenes on the doors.

Parquetry As marquetry, but on the floor.

Farquhartry Applied to the seventeenth-century ceramic work of Bonifacius Farquhar, which is now much sought after by collectors. His work was only rediscovered three years ago after centuries of neglect, and as a result there is not much about. Most of what there is has been acquired by: Farquhartry Market Cornering Co. Ltd,

45 Greater Dealgate, York.

Ming Dynasty Famous Chinese potter, who churned out a lot of stuff; so did his grandfather Tang.

Chinoiseries Things turned out in Chinese style — i.e. small, numerous and red.

Gilt What the owner feels when he drops his best Coalport. Coalport A precious article on no account to be dropped.

Musket Old gun; a pair of crossed muskets is an obligatory embellishment to any escutcheon worth the name.

Escutcheon Place to hang muskets; escutcheons have been known to get blots on — these can usually be wiped off with a What-not.

Rococo More baroque than Baroque, less decadent than Fin-de-siecle, and also earlier than the latter.

Patination Very important this. We experts can tell exactly how old a fine Piece is by the nature of the Patination. This skill cannot be taught — it is learned through handling Fine and Rare examples of the Master Carpenter’s Art in Great Houses, which I can usually manage once a week or so.

Pewter Metal used for tankards and mugs distinguished by its patination.

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