Records Old records are breaking new records, especially those made by the New Orleans Tub Thumpers in the 1830s. Go for the stuff everybody else passes by: Alma Cogan singing Ivor Novello’s favourite fireside hits, or Reginald Dixon at the Wakefield Town Hall Hammond Organ, or Ivor Novello singing Reginald Dixon’s greatest hits.

Art Deco Now is the time to collect lampshades made from intertwined ‘flappers’, and models of the Black Bottom and the Wall Street Crash.

Art Flimso 1964-5. Distinctive style combining simplicity and fragility, pioneered during these crucial years for the Arts. Few working examples of furniture of this period are now extant, and should be collected NOW.

War relics My friend Jarvis recommends that gas masks and grenades are worthwhile moneyspinners for tomorrow. Such memento belli can often be bought cheap off people with shell shock.

Pot lids Late nineteenth century. Often found by digging over Victorian rubbish dumps, which is where the Victorians went to throw their pot lids.

Books I recommend collecting all the editions of Roderick Masters’ Book of Money-Making Schemes.

Mickeymousiana Now is the time to invest in all those things made in the likeness of Mickey Mouse, though only those with lots of storage room should embark on this particular collection. Soap, bottles, watches, books and other bric-a-brac will form a fascinatingcommentary on the Age of this most diminutive of Entrepreneurs. Rarest of all is the Mickey Mouse condom, which was soon withdrawn on grounds of bad taste by Minnie Mouse.

Money boxes A collection of money boxes will be a constant reminder of the Important Things in life, and can always be left lying around in case one of your visitors feels like finding out how they work. The traditional pig motif is only one of a thousand: I have examples in my collection modelled after twenties flappers, hand grenades, pot lids, books, Mickey Mouse and excritoires. This is the only Investment to keep your money in that you can keep your money in. The definitive work on this fascinating hobby is Plus ca change by R. Maitre, Faille d’on Press (887 guineas).

Book ends Useful collections of these, often designed as Mickey Mouse rampant, can be used to prop up your collections of Roderick Masters’ Book of Money-Making Schemes.

White elephants A collection of these can be used to prop up your collection of book ends, which otherwise always fall over.

Things from Christmas Crackers Readers will have noticed how all the contents of Christmas Crackers have entirely vanished by December 29th. A fortune can be made by carefully preserving these ephemera for posterity. Some of the Jokes in my collection are already valuable antiques.

Plastic fruit Plastic is the papier mâché of the second half of the twentieth century, and is a valuable long-term investment. I recommend specialising in fruit, which can be left in piles on the chiffonier for visitors to admire. Connoisseurs particularly seek the early Tesco Green Pippin for its charming artificiality, but the Woolworth Grapes of 1954 is now being acknowledged as one of the masterpieces of the genre. It is my belief that the Split Pineapple with Ice Cubes is the best bet for the 1990s, combining as it does an understated insoucience with a capacity for holding ice cubes.

Jokes Even now some of the rarer examples from the early days of the Practical Joke are commanding good prices, as a glance at the Collector’s Journal Invisible Ink will reveal. The 1901 split finger is only exceeded in value by the prototype Naughty Doggie, while Squeaking Camembert is my own personal tip for the Big Climber over the next few years.

All you have to do with stamps is to stick them into albums and then wait and you will become hugely well-heeled. You must be careful not to bruise their patinations or blot their escutcheons, as this lowers their value. The only snag is you have to know which stamps to keep; for example, the 1857 St Lucia twopenny blue is still only worth twopence because it is hardly possible to buy a Giant Kilobag of Colonial Assorted without running into at least half a dozen of the little devils. So collect only rare ones.

Stamp collecting is now becoming very specialised, so many people with an eye for the Long-Term Investment collect only one kind of stamp, e.g. stamps from one country only, although this is difficult in the case of Monaco because they change their stamps twice a week because of all the stranded gamblers writing home for more money. For myself, I only collect stamps worth more than £400 which can be purchased for under a fiver, as I have found this is the most profitable kind of Collecting. Or you can collect First Day Covers which are on sale whenever you find immensely long queues at the Post Office. This Scientific Approach to stamps is known as Philately, after a Mr Philip Atterly, its earliest exponent, who now lives in Considerable Luxury in one of those Pacific Islands with mangoes in the middle of its 6 cents purple.

Stamps come in two varieties: definitives and commemoratives. Definitives are the ordinary little ones with the king’s head on; Commemoratives are the big ones showing mangoes or elephant seals in the mating ritual. The true initiate does not bother with these per se - he only collects ones that have gone wrong for one reason or another. These errors are very interesting in showing small blobs on the Queen’s neck at 500 times magnification. This makes them very valuable, particularly to people with powerful microscopes.

A few technical terms to help you compete with the professional:

Perforation (abbr. Perf.) Little holes between stamps to keep them apart. Imperf stands for Imperfect Perforations, which are the kind that always result in dislocation of the Queen’s neck.

Penny Black Girl who appears on the earliest British stamp.

Postmark Attempt to obliterate design of stamp by postman.

Postman Courier who brings stamps to the collector.

Watermark Valuable smudge on stamp when dropped by postman into a puddle.

Postage dues Spacial stamp that tells you that you have not put a stamp on a letter. These are cheap stamps to collect.

Charity Stamp For typical set of these send only £5 to General Post Office, Lesser Masteronia, Outer Antilles.

The guiding principle is: ‘Old is Gold‘. The older something is the more likely it is to contribute towards that custom-built Mazerati. (Old custom-built Mazeratis are particularly sought-after.) The only exception to this is when things get very old indeed, e.g. Roman, because then they are often all in bits. (From what I have seen in Museums and other Shrines of the Ancient, the Romans were pretty bad at looking after their pots and jewellery because they are nearly all broken. Greek sculptures are even worse.)

It used to be that something had to be at least 100 years old to be called ‘Antique‘ and if it was any older it was called ‘Period’, but fortunately this narrow-minded view has not prevailed, and nowadays it is worth investing in anything which hails from those more leisurely days when there were still traditional craftsmen working at skills which had changed little for hundreds of years. I keep anything made before 1963.

This opens up new worlds for those of us who can appreciate the aesthetic side of a healthy balance in the Deposit Account. And a fine collection of Ashanti nose rings is always the focal point for any of those cocktail parties you throw for Luminaries of the local Chamber of Commerce. I know from personal experience that more than one Big Name behind a chain of betting shops displays his artistic side in the privacy of his mansion surrounded with mature evergreen shrubs by buffing up his collection of Antique Medicinal Leeches or eighteenth-century tooth-extraction apparatus. My own collection of Toothpicks through the Ages gives me a unique insight into how our forebears winkled out those irritating bits of gristle from between their molars. Your collection enables you to get educated and rich at the same time.

Of course some of the high-quality stuff does run a bit expensive. So a word of warning here. If a chap in a blue blazer and cravat, driving a 1.8 litre Ford Cortina, offers you some original Hepplewhite ironing boards for £35 the chances are that the items in question are not 100 per cent bona fide. They may have been made by Fred Hepplewhite from Sutton Coldfield. My friend Jarvis had a very nice line in original Da Vincis which were done by Len Da Vinci of the Ball’s Pond Road School, rather than Leonardo famed for his backward handwriting and enigmatic smile.

Some of these antique merchants use a lot of jargon to describe the Glories of the Past, which may seem a little confusing at first. Here is a list of some of the more important words which should help you to become a connoisseur without any difficulty:

Piece (as in, ‘a fine piece this’) — Expensive.

Quattrocento Italian artistic work costing more than £400. Inlay The opposite of Outlay.

Marquetry Fiddly bit of furniture sold in markets.

Chaise Longue Settee with only one arm.

Commode Originally a chest of drawers, then designed to cover up
sanitary apparatus. An excritoire is a French edition of the same thing.

Lacquer cabinet Where the seventeenth-century smart set kept their

VSOP and other liquor, often with fetching sylvan scenes on the doors.

Parquetry As marquetry, but on the floor.

Farquhartry Applied to the seventeenth-century ceramic work of Bonifacius Farquhar, which is now much sought after by collectors. His work was only rediscovered three years ago after centuries of neglect, and as a result there is not much about. Most of what there is has been acquired by: Farquhartry Market Cornering Co. Ltd,

45 Greater Dealgate, York.

Ming Dynasty Famous Chinese potter, who churned out a lot of stuff; so did his grandfather Tang.

Chinoiseries Things turned out in Chinese style — i.e. small, numerous and red.

Gilt What the owner feels when he drops his best Coalport. Coalport A precious article on no account to be dropped.

Musket Old gun; a pair of crossed muskets is an obligatory embellishment to any escutcheon worth the name.

Escutcheon Place to hang muskets; escutcheons have been known to get blots on — these can usually be wiped off with a What-not.

Rococo More baroque than Baroque, less decadent than Fin-de-siecle, and also earlier than the latter.

Patination Very important this. We experts can tell exactly how old a fine Piece is by the nature of the Patination. This skill cannot be taught — it is learned through handling Fine and Rare examples of the Master Carpenter’s Art in Great Houses, which I can usually manage once a week or so.

Pewter Metal used for tankards and mugs distinguished by its patination.

Get inside the door by saying you are doing a thesis on Domestic Motifs in the latter half of the twentieth century from the nearest University Sociology Department.

Pretend to be bowled over by the flights of china swans over the mantlepiece or the Souvenir of Margate ashtray and similar absolute Rubbish. Meanwhile cast your eyes around for any of the Good Stuff.

Offer a fiver for the flight of swans, or model of Princess Margaret made from sea shells, etc.

‘Notice’ the good item by accident. By a strange co-incidence your mother has a matching item that goes to make up the set. The poor lady is suffering from a rare and incurable condition of the kidneys and the said item may well bring back the twinkle into her old eyes, even though it is valueless in those of the World. Offer a quid.

With any luck they will refuse your offer for the swans, but take the quid for Meissen Kleinplastik. Another priceless object will have been wrested from the philistines for the connoisseur, withall due pecuniary perks to the finder.

As so often with Creative Money-making, it is only a question of finding something that somebody does not want and selling it to somebody who wants it, even if the person that has it does not know what it is, and the person that wants it does not know where it came from. This is one of the Conundrums of Capitalism.

Once you have made a few decent killings you can start employing your own team of ‘knockers‘.

Compared with ceramics of the same date, much antique glass remains relatively inexpensive. You can still find sets of 19th century glasses for under £100 at antiques shops and general auctions, and incredibly, an antique decanter will often cost less than a modern one.

During the 18th century, large numbers of drinking glasses were made. The variety available means that there are many ways of collecting glass. You may decide to focus your collection on, say, air twists, Jacobite glass, cordials, or gilded glass, or you may prefer to simply collect single examples of each type. Simpler 18th century glasses may cost £50-100, but those with elaborate or unusual decoration can be very much more valuable.

Signs of Age

• a foot that is wider than the rim
• flaws in the glass indicating it was handmade
• a bumpy “pontil mark” under the foot
• a greenish or greyish tinge in the glass
• signs of wear on the foot — fine and irregular scratches.

Jacobite Glasses

Glasses engraved with roses, doves and oak leaves were made in the 18th century to show furtive allegiance to the Old Pretender (James Edward Stuart) and the Young Pretender (Charles Edward Stuart). Jacobite glasses are particularly collectable but can be expensive — an especially rare one was sold in 1992 for £66,000.

Colour Twists

Sterns with threads of coloured glass are keenly sought after; value depends on the number of colours. This one has blue and opaque white twists, and would be worth about £1,500.

Gilded Glass

Glasses with original, soft 18th century gilding, such as this one, are very desirable, but are rarely seen in perfect condition. £500+

Beware

You can spot less desirable later gilding, by its harder, brighter appearance.

This is a multiknopped stem, so called because of the series of projections with which it is decorated; some stems have only one knop, which may contain a tear drop of air, other stems are decorated with air twists.

This glass has a domed foot, characteristic of many early glasses; others have conical feet. Check the edge of the rim for unevenness, as this may mean a chip has been ground down.

Decanters

Decanters were often decorated with engraved or gilded labels describing their contents. This one is made from “Bristol” blue glass — an area associated with coloured decanters, although not all were made there. £250-850

COLLECTORS CATEGORIZE AND VALUE GLASSES ACCORDING TO THE SHAPE AND DECORATION OF THE BOWL, STEM AND FOOT. THIS ONE IS OF MEDIUM QUALITY – IT HAS A PLAIN BOWL AND A RELATIVELY SIMPLE STEM, BUT BECAUSE IT IS LARGER THAN MOST (MEASURING 23CM/9IN) IT IS WORTH ABOUT £500.

APOSTLE SPOONS

Apostle spoons (so-called because the handle is decorated with the figure of an Apostle), are among the most valuable of spoons. Sometimes they’re faked by reshaping ordinary 18th century spoons – you can spot these by the stiffness of the figure. £1,000+

PATTERNS

Different patterns are identifiable by their names; these are some of the most popular ones which have been repeated continually since they were first made. The date of flatwares can affect their price even more dramatically than other types of silver.

OLD ENGLISH PATTERN

The most desirable services contain a dozen tablespoons, table forks, dessert spoons, dessert forks and teaspoons. This 77-piece Old English pattern service has the added bonus of a basting spoon and other serving pieces and this will increase its value. £6,0008,000

BEWARE

Badly worn flatwares are virtually impossible to restore and are worth only scrap value. Only the fork on the left is in good condition. The one in the centre is badly worn, the other has been trimmed to disguise the damage.

Even though we no longer depend on candlelight for illumination, nothing graces a dining table more elegantly than a pair of silver candlesticks. Most candlesticks and candelabra were originally made in pairs or larger sets. Expect to pay more than double for a pair of candlesticks than for two single ones – even if they’re the same design and size! To be a true “pair” candlesticks must be made by the same maker at more or less the same date.

BASES

Sheet candlesticks are marked in a line above the base, cast ones are marked in the well, or under each corner.

NOZZLES

Nozzles should have the maker’s mark and lion passant.

SCONCES

If the seam on the stem and sconce is not in alignment, the candlestick has been heavily repaired. Here you can see the lion passant mark on the sconce.

STEMS

During the 18th century sterns became progressively taller; early candlesticks rarely measure more than 13cm/7in; this mid-18th century one is 25cm/10in.

CHAMBER CANDLESTICKS

These were used to light the way to bed, and unlike other candlesticks, are usually sold singly. This one was made in the 1780s and like many is fitted with a snuffer. £1,000-1,500

CANDELABRA

The separate parts are frequently replaced -four nozzles on this pair are replacements, but the candelabra were made by John Scofield, an eminent 18th century maker, so the price would still be £15,000+.

During the Art Nouveau period the surfaces of plates and vases were covered with Floral and organic shapes, or languid, scantily clad maidens, synonymous with the style of the movement. In stark contrast, the clean bright motifs and avant-garde shapes which evolved in Art Deco pottery of the 20s and 30s, evoke equally effectively the spirit of their age.

WILLIAM MOORCROFT

If you see a piece of pottery decorated with raised lines, which look as if they’ve been applied with an icing nozzle, the chances arc it was made by William Moorcroft, at the famous Macintyre Pottery in Staffordshire. This “Iris” vase illustrates the distinctive technique, known as “tube- line”, which was made with hand-applied fine lines of slip. £700

DOULTON & CO

This factory produced such a wide variety of wares that many buyers collect nothing else! You’ll have to pay more if a piece of Doulton was made by a famous designer. This vase was decorated by the prominent designer Mark V. Marshall, and would be worth over £5,000; a piece by a less prestigious designer might be worth 10% of that price.

ROYAL COPENHAGEN

The serpentine movement of this group, and the soft pastel shades in which it’s decorated, identify this as a typical piece of Royal Copenhagen porcelain. The group, known as “The Rock and the Wave”, is so popular it’s still reproduced today. Dating can be tricky but different marks were used and these can give a clue as to when the piece was made. £700-900

CLARICE CLIFF

The most famous British Art Deco potter, Clarice Cliff, produced such a plethora of diverse shapes and designs that whole sales are now devoted entirely to her wares. Value is largely determined by the rarity of the design. Small objects, or anything in the “Crocus” pattern are usually the most affordable.

Condition is of paramount importance to value and restoration can be difficult to spot. Check spouts and handles for signs of chipping and run a finger around rims and bases to see if they’re intact.

Most pieces are marked with a printed mark and facsimile signature.

Decoration is often outlined in black.

The warm yellow “honey glaze” gives the background an ivory colour seen on many Clarice Cliff wares.

Although produced in large quantities, all genuine Clarice Cliff, was hand-painted and you should be able to see brush strokes in the coloured enamels.

FUTURISTIC SHAPES, EXEMPLIFIED BY THIS UNUSUAL c.I935 TEAPOT WITH ITS BIZARRELY CURVING LID, ARE A KEYNOTE OF CLARICE CLIFF‘S ADVENTUROUS POTTERY. £300-500

FAKES

The many reproductions and fakes can usually be distinguished by their inferior colour and design. This jug looks washed out compared with the vibrant colours in the teapot, and the handle is too thin.

DESIRABLE DESIGNS

• Age of Jazz figures
• Wall masks
• Inspiration design pieces
• Circus series — designed by Dame Laura Knight
• Graham Sutherland designs
• Frank Brangwyn circular plaques.

What to look for:

• Silver boxes

• Check the hinge isn’t damaged.

• Make sure the marks on the base are the same as those on the lid – if they don’t match, the box may have been altered.

Beware

Sometimes snuff boxes are turned into vinaigrettes by adding grilles – and vinaigrettes are turned into pill boxes by removing the grilles! £200

Snuff Boxes

The decoration of small boxes has a huge bearing on their price; hunting scenes are particularly sought after – this silver gilt snuff box, made in 1828, would be worth over £1,500+.

Vinaigrettes

Vinaigrettes such as these were used to contain aromatic salts, vinegar, or perfume and are smaller than snuff boxes, although equally in demand. £1,000-1,500

Decoration

A piece of silver decorated with a recognizable scene is especially desirable. This Victorian pin tray shows Windsor Castle – one of the most popular views; St Paul’s Cathedral or scenes of Edinburgh are also keenly collected. £700-1,000

Mirrors

Like most silver- framed mirrors, this one is part of a set of dressing table silver. Its unusually fine quality is reflected in the price – over £100,000 for the set! During the late 19th/ early 20th century less expensive mirrors were made from wooden frames covered with velvet and decorated with die stamped silver. These are often badly worn and difficult to IC clean but still highly sought after.

Art NouveauSilver

Silver items reflecting the Art Nouveau style, marked by well known makers or retailers, are becoming increasingly collectable. This box, with its typical Art Nouveau motif on the lid, was made for Liberty & Co. and would be worth £700-1, 000.

Silver and Glass

Glass and silver are often combined to produce some highly decorative objects, but before buying any silver and glass object remember to check that the glass is not broken as it can be costly to replace, especially if shaped. This 1911 Ramsden & Carr silver and enamel case contains its original glass bottle. £2,000+

Die Stamping

Die stamped silver is patterned by pressing solid metal moulds together on either side of sheet silver – the technique made it relatively inexpensive to mass-produce elaborate decoration and was much used in the 19th century.

Silver Decoration

Small silver is decorated in a wide variety of ways. Some of the most common terms used to describe the techniques are:

BRIGHT CUTTING: a type of faceted engraving.

CHASING OR EMBOSSING: patterns made by hammering or punching.

CUT-CARD DECORATION: flat shapes added to rims etc.

FILIGREE: open wire panels decorated with little silver beads.

BACCARAT

YOU CAN OFTEN IDENTIFY THE MAKER OF A PAPERWEIGHT BY THE TYPE OF

RODS IT CONTAINS AND THE WAY THEY ARE ARRANGED. THIS ONE INCLUDES SILHOUETTES OF A DOG, A HORSE AND A DEER, WHICH ARE TYPICAL OF THE BACCARAT FACTORY. £6,500-7,000

Beware

Reproductions of antique paperweights abound, but can be identified by their lighter weight.

Identifying Marks

Baccarat paper‑weights often include signed and dated canes – this one is marked B 1848. St Louis and Clichy paperweights are also sometimes marked with initials.

Millefiori

Millefiori (”thousand flower”) paperweights arc so- called because their canes resemble a carpet of flowers.

St Louis

Large single flower heads were much used by the St Louis factory. Sometimes flowers were laid on a criss-cross lattice, known as latticinio. £500-600.

Clichy

Clichy weights can often be identified by the characteristic rose they contain. This one would be worth over £2,000 but more common types fetch from £400.

Overlay Weights

Some rare weights, such as this one made by Baccarat, contain a layer of opaque glass through which windows are cut to reveal the design beneath. This one would be worth £3,000 or more.